So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
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Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
what?
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I need this for my side hustle.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.