hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
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“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.