I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
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Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Nothing.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.