My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
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Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I wish this was real life…