I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
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Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.