Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
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“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
i wish i could marry a nap
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.