I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
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Finally!
dutch so unserious
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
This was a bad idea all around
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.