I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Dolls on drugs
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank