Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
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Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.