I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
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I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I can’t be the only one 😂
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.