Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
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[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.