Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
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I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus