Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
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No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.