One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
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Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.