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Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care