Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
You Might Also Like
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
oh good, now I can stop drinking