How to properly lift a body
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My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.