BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
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Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?