I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
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Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.