I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
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Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.