No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
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No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Meeeee too!
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I never needed anything more in my life
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!