Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
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THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
WHY would you be happy about this?
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Your secret is safeish with me
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.