knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
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Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”