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If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Candid photo of me, eating chips.