A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
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Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind