I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
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I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
🏙👨🏼
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.