Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
You Might Also Like
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.