United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
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BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.