I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
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“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?