my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
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Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit