I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
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*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.