Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
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Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.