construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
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Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Can’t stop laughing
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I don’t get marriage
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I’m giving up ice.