Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
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do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up