peep davidson
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*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Möther may I have a snäck
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Would you wear it?
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days