Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
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you know what ruined my childhood? children
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Potatoes were such a good idea
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice