The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
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Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
#SaturdayBears
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.