Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
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I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.