You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
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*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!