Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
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Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
🤔😂😂
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast