“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
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I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Optional boss fight.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I came this close!!!!
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*