In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
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My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
two people or more is called a problem
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal