One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
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don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Finally! 😈
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun