STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
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You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with