[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
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WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Yes
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.