The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
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Sell your car
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
😅😅😅