I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
You Might Also Like
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin