The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
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When you let grandma cat sit
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Me irl
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.