“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
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Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.