Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
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Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.